Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
