Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
