my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
