and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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