I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Text me some of your sweat
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