you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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