If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
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Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
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he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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