i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
