I'm lost and stupid without you.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
MIDGETS
????
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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