I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet