i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
