ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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