I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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