do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
