I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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