$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
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