Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Randomize
