i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
