May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
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he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
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When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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