I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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