"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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