I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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