My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
