and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
