I wish my penis had an off switch
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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