Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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