the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
