she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
