everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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