did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
