and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
