my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
