who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
