Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i will never coherently bang her
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
