She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
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i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
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All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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