My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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