finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
