its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
