I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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