Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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