If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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