I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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