Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
