I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
id be glad to
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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