where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
