hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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