Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
