My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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