Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Alive.
So much puke
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
