barbara walters just said penis...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
