I heard we made out
well I can't set my house on fire every night
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
