If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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