My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
