I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
