Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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