areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
