Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
