my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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