A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
